this is so stupid it might have actually been painful

11:21 am September 5, 2010

So. Being my usual graceful, swan-like self, I knock three containers of findings off my bed. Luckily their lids were closed, so very little mixing-of-stuffs happened, ie, no silver headpins fallen into copper earhooks sections, that kind of thing.

Few copper eyepins fallen onto the floor, though. Pick them up.

Accidentally put them in with the copper headpins. Minor swearwords.

Then, and I swear on the Star that this is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth:

I find my left hand moving and look down to find the Control and Z buttons.

I actually tried to Ctrl+Z, literally, IN REAL LIFE.

…

I need more coffee. Yesterday.

forever in Your beauty & splendor

2:14 am September 3, 2010

I got a question on my formspring page from someone who wanted to know about my faith. I thought I’d make a blog entry about it, primarily for aesthetic reasons XD (c’mon, nobody likes reading scrunched-up text!) but it’s probably an important thing to note down, really. So!

(Haha, I’m a bit nervous, actually XD;)

Tell me about your faith, I’m curious to know (from the bits and pieces you blog about). Feel free to point me to a website if it’s too much of a personal question. :)

Well, it’s difficult to sum up in a few words, but whose faith isn’t? *laughs* Very, VERY basically, I’m a pagan! Which is an umbrella term that raises more questions than it answers, I know. I hope you don’t mind me using dot points to extrapolate.

• I believe in one Creator over all, who isn’t unknowable, per se, but is something…higher than we (as humans) can currently comprehend. I believe this Creator created the universe we live in and many other besides — the multiverse, basically. (And, for the record — I’m also a firm believer in evolution.)
• I believe in a number of Powers (like gods) and Lesser Powers (equivalent to angels, more or less) that watch over us like big brothers and sisters, but very rarely intervene directly, and when they do intervene, they usually send messengers/prophets/however you’d call them to do so.
• It’s important to note that I do not worship the Powers, it’s more of a relationship of complete love and complete trust — they’re like beloved family members, more or less. (The thought of worshipping them is sort of like the thought of worshipping a biological parent…just…kinda weird and off.)
• I believe in reincarnation, to a point where we have learned all our lessons. After we’ve done that, I believe we then go to dwell with the Powers for a time. (I have other beliefs regarding this, but they get a little heavy to explain, so I’ll just leave it there…)
• I celebrate eight seasonal festivals (same-ish dates as the Wiccan sabbats, but somewhat different purposes/ways of celebrating, etc.).
• I don’t observe esbats (full moons), however. For one thing, I believe that the Lesser Power who watches the moon is male, and there isn’t really the whole sun-moon male-female ‘energy’ thing going on in my beliefs. The sun is the sun, the moon is the moon, and I’m not closer to one than the other, nor do I feel that one is more powerful than the other.
• Music is extremely important in my faith. In my spellwork (directing energy), in my ritual work (observing the seasons and celebrating important dates), in simple prayer, in just being. Music and singing are integral as breathing. Not any particular type of music, just music in general that brings me closer to the Powers. And that can be anything, from New Age to heavy metal to techno-pop.

I hope most of this was understandable! You’re welcome to ask any more questions about anything I’ve brought up, of course :)

typos include “floor” and “fly”

2:08 am August 31, 2010

Status = hiatus. Just pretend I’m throwing up on your shoes, or something. Or I have swine flu. Does anyone worry about swine flu anymore?

“she was sick”

12:54 am August 30, 2010

That was probably the most ill-timed hiatus in the history of always, seeing as a mere four hours after the housemate left I felt reasonably sane, and I realised eight hours after that, with some shock (as noted on that bleedin’ twitter of mine) that I hadn’t cried since she left. The entirety of last week consisted of so many either frustrated or hopeless sobbing fits that I’m surprised my head didn’t either fall off or explode. Aaand I’m only partially joking about that, too.

Unfortunately, she returns this evening. We’ll see what happens. That’s all I can do.

Mostly said hiatus was put in place to limit annoying my friends with my patented Hysterics Screamed Into The Digital Void, because housemate is such a goddamn trigger on top of being Generally Not Terribly Well that, well…I don’t know. Úfairië nyéro, man. It never makes any sense. Why is it that a whole bunch of things can be insanely awful but you can still cope…and then one thing added to the bunch of awful just blows all coping skills out the window and suddenly you’re…

You know.

Suicide, man. Why is it such a godsbedamned stigma? You can’t say “I was suicidal”, socially it’s on par with saying something like “I eat babies”. Cue the awkward shifting and nobody meeting your eyes. Then the glossing right over it. My, that sky is awfully blue today.

Then you’ve got those who won’t believe that you were suicidal. I mean, come on, who actually eats babies is suicidal? You were just really upset/attention-whoring/lying/had no reason to BE suicidal according to Internets Therapists/not managing your disorder, again see those Internets Therapists for that…

“She was sick: her leukocytes were at an abnormal level. She could have died.”

“She was sick: she felt compelled to hurt or kill herself. She could have died.”

See? The kneejerk reaction to the second sentence is “well, there must have been something wrong with her in the first place…” Stigma. Stigma stigma stigma fucking STIGMA. Would you dare say that about a cancer sufferer? Would you even think of doing so? Then why the hell would you say that about someone who suffers from mental illness?

Again, my age old question rears its head: who would CHOOSE to be this sick?

It effects everything, everything, everything. It’s not just crying all the time. My body packs it in, aches and pains like I’m a hundred years old. My hair falls out. Skin is as fragile as wet tissue-paper, oily and broken out. So tired. So. Ungodly. Tired. All the time. Need sleep, 12+ hours. Savage hunger, nothing fills me (and boy, ain’t this fun to mix with the little voice in the back of your head screaming, “You stupid, fat, lazy, piggy bitch! You’re the size of a whale! How dare you eat?!?!“) I haven’t had a menstrual period for the last six months. Headaches, migraines. Stomach refuses to behave.

That on its own, without the mental crap…who would choose that, even?

No one chooses this. I didn’t choose this. I wrangle this thing and try to keep the beast down as best I can, but sometimes it rears up on its hind legs and throws me off its back and tramples me all the same. Sometimes I can’t keep ahold of the reins while it’s raging. But I don’t choose to let go.

So screw the stigma. It isn’t mine, it’s yours.

Archaically, the word “stigma” also referred to a mark branded on the skin of criminals or slaves, did you know? Isn’t that interesting?

the Lady of Light

11:03 pm August 26, 2010

Back in 2000, when I was being dragged from psych to psych in order for someone to “fix” me, I used to spend lots of time role-playing as Galadriel…one psych used that fact as a psychoanalysis point, I think, trying to unravel me (though the answer was so freakin’ simple: got nothing to do with elves or role-playing or escapism, doc — the kid’s got bipolar. Give her her meds, let her know she’s not alone, let her know she’s not some anomaly with horns growing out of her skull or whatever. None of them could do it. Took my bloody GP to do it, seven years later. That’s so, so sad. And that’s also the reason why I despise Australia’s mental health system, and am terrified of the thought that so many people I love are subject to it.)

…I think I digressed.

Anyway, yes. So I used to role-play Galadriel. (Role-playing…that’s the ‘grown up’ term for ‘playing pretend’, isn’t it?) I had such a strong picture in my mind of who she was and what she felt like from the moment I first read The Lord of the Rings. It wasn’t really surprising that no representation of her outside the book had ever really been able to portray Artanis as I saw her.

But good lord, Galadriel in the musical — yes, the stage musical, of all bloody things! — just nailed it. I cannot hear that song without thinking: that’s it, that’s her! That’s her all over!

And it’s so sad and lovely.

(Yes, I am pretty much immersing myself in the One True Fandom. Life is not shiny, OTF makes me very happy, I am not going to apologise for it.)

Christopher Lee rocks my socks off

2:34 am August 25, 2010

Oh my lord. I don’t know if I’m going to yet another special hell for this, but Christopher Lee’s performance as Treebeard in the Tolkien Ensemble’s recordings? Partly adorable (you heard right), partly shivery.

That is, his half-chanting in “The Long List of the Ents” is just damn cute with his hoom, haroom!-ing, it made me giggle. (It wasn’t funny, it was just…I don’t know, fun? I don’t know. I’ve loved Treebeard since I first read the book, so just having someone really nail his character down in my mind is awesome and makes me smile.)

His singing as Treebeard in (wait for it) “Treebeard’s Song” was rough and rumbly, but deeply tuneful — spot on for an Ent, IMHO. So I went looking to see if I could find any recordings where he wasn’t singing in character…and my goodness, what a voice! So strong, so smooth! I probably shouldn’t have been surprised, given his mellifluous speaking voice, but I was all the same. And a KILLER RANGE. Obviously he’s a bass, but he can sing low tenor, as well. That’s just asdfjkl;.

Mp3s for the sampling: “The Long List of the Ents” and “Treebeard’s Song” as part of the Tolkien Ensemble, and in the orchestral version of “The Magic of the Wizard’s Dreams” with Rhapsody of Fire. Epic as hell.

(I have a Thing for singing voices, ‘kay? Yes, is weird, I know.)

jewellery a-comin’

12:15 pm August 23, 2010

So I think I was supposed to sum of my thoughts on the Australian federal election or something, in this entry? All I can come up with is the same conclusion I came to on my tumblelog — Australian fed elections: FUNNIER THAN A WEASEL IN HOTPANTS.

Onto slightly less ¯\(°_o)/¯ news…I’ve been making things! Soon to be able to be purchased! :D

Will put them on the currently theoretical Etsy shop come Tuesday/Wednesday, I think.

Some stuff I’ve made for myself:

The earrings are actually my mother’s; I just need to put some glaze on the cloisonné beads to keep the enamel from flaking. The blue glass leaf earrings are called “Night in Lothlórien”, because I am a geek. But you knew this! I think they’ll be part of a whole set, necklace and bracelet, and possibly an anklet too.

This one is “The Lady of Light”, inspired by Galadriel from Tolkien’s legendarium. Because, as I said above, I am a geek. The little butterfly beads flanking the leaf are Swarovski crystal. Which means they are mad sparkly. I approve.

important election notes

1:40 am August 22, 2010

Guys. GUYS. It’s almost 1:30am and I am f0rking tired, but I think this is really important, so:

Despite all the silly (and yes, pretty immature, but there again so is drawin’ mustaches on people’s photos…) jokes, I do not seriously want to hurt Tony Abbott. I may dislike his policies intensely and disagree with him on his world view, I may not like his public persona (I have no idea what he’s like outside the political spotlight, so I can’t really say I don’t like him) but I would not seriously hurt the man. Might give him a few filthy looks or two, but no. I do not and have never harboured any desire to physically hurt him.

This also stretches to voters. I do not want to physically or emotionally harm anyone who does not vote the same as I do. So our views aren’t the same? That’s cool. No, really, that is. You vote for who you honestly think represents your views and hopes for the country, I’ll do the same, and we engage in friendly debate. Or just bypass it altogether and have a beer — it’s all cool. Yes, that even goes for Family First voters. We don’t have to like each other’s views or agree with them — but I’ll respect yours, and you’ll respect mine. If you can’t do that, merry part, and no loss to either of us.

I just…I’ve seen way, way too much animosity flying around over the last 18 or so hours, and it just seems…it doesn’t sit right with me, is all. I’m all for having a view, and being as loud and as passionate about it as you can, but not tearing someone else up for not believing the same as I do. At the end of the day, we’re all Australians, and we all want what’s best for us and our country and each other, right?

…yeah, perhaps that’s a little optimistic (“hippy dippy shaky flaky lefty pinko!”), but that’s what I want, anyway. So no hate from me. Disagreement, differing opinions? Heck yes, thick and fast. Hate, spite, sneering? I’ll pass and have a snag-in-bread instead. That’s just how I feel I have to do things, you know?

So yeah. That’s my say for the day. For the yesterday, anywho. I might have more to say on the weirdness that is the ’10 election tomorrow, but right now? Has to pass out. Sho tired. Whups. Fellover. </bloody fandom>

have faith. trust.

3:25 am August 21, 2010

“You must go on, my dear girl. Have faith. Trust.”

8~B yE5nE 5~C= 7~Nt$j¸Y yE5nE= yEjTt#6= 5#5 5lE 9G7UyEj´R yEjTt#6- 5lE `Vj´R 9G7UyE-

i promised you, i promised, but this is unbearable, but i promised you
i know if i go this time there will be no grace and no door will open
but i haven’t stopped crying for the past 72 hours and i fucking hate the food here and people never smile at you and i’m stuck in my bedroom all the time and  i hate it here, hate what i’ve become and what people WANT me to be
i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home

but i promised you

i miss you

lights on tree branches

12:40 am August 19, 2010

Still in the thralls of…nyérë. So I didn’t do anything today, except wrestle with the HTML for this blog (it’s always the little things, always!). Then a massive headache came along while I was napping today, and that made everything even more sunshiney, let me tell you. I mean, I’m always in a fabulous mood when I feel like someone is pounding an inch-long rusty nail through my prefrontal cortex with a rubber mallet.

(…no, really. Why am I not a splatterpunk writer.)

Housemate decided that tonight it was Chinese night, so we went to Phone Wong’s on Anzac Avenue. Anzac Ave is so pretty at night, with all the faerie lights in the branches of the trees lining the road. Not to mention, Phone Wong’s is excellent, and the staff are wicked friendly, which is a big plus in my book. Friendly people = me  slightly less terrified. Always a good thing.

Headache hasn’t let up at all, although it did go to sleep for about an hour or so when threatened with Panadeine Forte. Which is currently wearing off as we speak, which may need to be remedied. We shall see what is what.